Mother’s Day Blues

Mother’s Day – it’s the advertisers dream when we are surrounded by pictures of happy kids bringing their mum breakfast in bed, cards, chocolates, their favourite perfume and flowers.  What a beautiful image as the mum kisses and cuddles her kids, smiles and laughs as she begins her day. 

But what if that’s not you?  What if –like me – you are a bereaved mother or if your own mother is no longer with you.  How do you cope with the happiest day of the year for mothers?

I remember two mothers’ days in my life that were extremely difficult.  The first one was in 1998, four months after my wonderful mother in law had been knocked down and killed as she crossed the road outside her house.   I remember standing in the card shop looking at the mother’s day cards trying to choose one for my own mum.  I was overcome by a black raging cloud that engulfed me – the emotion of the previous months burst like a dam and I recall running from the shop weeping.  It was a real low point for my husband and his siblings, especially my sister in law who had recently become a new mum herself.  

The second mother’s day that was even worse was in 2008, six months after my son Calum had died aged 12 from meningitis.  I recall going to his grave, to give him flowers instead of him bringing me some.  I remember thinking how could I celebrate Mother’s Day again?  I was very grateful to have my daughter Kirsten but the grief and loss of my son exploded in full combat style that day.   It was brutal, real heartache – the pain in my heart was physical. I grieved hard for several days – weeping, cuddling Calum’s clothes, retreating from the world.

It was also the point at which I understood I needed to care for myself, if I didn’t then I would be no use to anyone and my husband Sinclair and daughter Kirsten needed me.  Many of you will know that I am an experienced NLP (neuro linguistic programming) practitioner – I had used many of the techniques on myself already to help me cope with the trauma, to shift the images that were in my head of the tragic events that led to Calum’s death.  But we all need help from others and I turned to my trusted friend and NLP professional Liesha to help me.  Together we let go of guilt and sadness that was overwhelming me and created a gentle route towards a happier time in my life.  I wasn’t over Calum’s death but I had released the really difficult emotions that threatened to keep me stuck in a difficult phase of grief. 

Mother’s days did get easier (like all special events and celebration days) and now as I face the 7^th one without him I am grateful for Calum’s life, for being his mum and I keep both my children connected to me through their love.

I do this by writing to Calum – I started it just after he died and have filled several journals now.  I write about my days, sharing our family life with him and sometimes I “hear” him laugh at the stories and even reply!

I happily talk about my son with family and friends, we share the memories and the good times. I have a memory quilt that celebrates his life and I love to look at this and think about what each panel represents – his interests, his friends, the stories and family traditions that he was part of and the very essence that made him the wonderful son he was.  I continue to raise awareness of meningitis and fundraise for Meningits Now but I focus more on Calum’s life than on what caused his death.  

On Mother’s Day I will bring out one of the cards that he made me and place it proudly beside the one that Kirsten gives me.  I am proud to be the mother of two children – one who is now a beautiful teenager and another who is in spirit. 

We will also remember my wonderful mother in law with a smile and share a story about her.  

If you are dreading Mother’s Day I send my love to you, if you are deep in grief then let it flow you will come out the other side. Acknowledge the loss but also find some time to remember the joy that you had with your child or your mother in your life.  A few minutes of joy can lift your spirits and give you hope. 

If you are looking for more suggestions on coping with loss or grief, you can read more of my journey in my book From Heartbreak toHappiness.  I have had such wonderful letters from people telling me that my book has really given them hope that they too can cope and feel happier. 

To mothers everywhere I wish you peace, good health, love and happiness, so take some time for you and recognise how wonderful you are.

Kim

xxxx

Top ten tips for coping with grief at Christmas

Christmas is a time for having fun with friends and family, but for some it is a difficult time that highlights the loss of a loved one.  Grief and loss are difficult to deal with at any time but for many the festive season brings more challenges. I understand those challenges only too well but also know that there are things you can do to make it easier for you and your family. I have experienced many deaths and known deep grief especially with the loss of my son Calum in 2007. Those of you who follow my blog or come along to my Happiness Club or workshops will know that I like to focus on happiness and feeling positive.   I know that happiness is possible but I am also very aware that at times it is more about getting through the next minute, hour or day, especially if your loss is a recent one.

Loss seems even more intense at this time of year as the rest of the world seems to be having a wonderful time, with all the TV ads showing the perfect family Christmas, with fabulous dinners, beautiful presents and beautiful people enjoying parties.  I know that their are many people around the country who may be struggling with their feelings of loss so here are my suggestions to make life a little easier. 

1. Don't pretend that you are ok if you are struggling.  Share how you are feeling with someone, a chat with a friend can make all the difference.
2. Write down how you feel, write a letter to your loved one it helps to keep them close.
3. Let go of the emotions - cry, scream, stamp your feet, beat up cushions - please note I said cushions not people ;-)
4. Now give yourself some comfort - wrap yourself in a blanket, have a hot mug of tea and maybe a mince pie as you have a conversation with your loved one - silently or out loud it's up to you.  If you are talking out loud be aware of who is around you I sure got some funny looks at times!
5. Remind yourself that all things change and even feeling overwhelmed, drained, exhausted, hopeless, or utterly bereft will pass.  It is normal to feel this way and among the dark times you will begin to notice small glimmers of light.
6. Ask for help - people want to help but often don't know what to do - let them go shopping and cook food, buy and wrap presents, help out with cleaning, looking after pets, children whatever you are finding too much of an effort.
7. Give yourself at least one task to do each day and reward yourself afterwards - chocolate is good.  Maybe you could even help someone else with something, doing things for others can shift your focus and increase your energy too.
8. Do what you can to get moving each day, look up, smile even if you don't feel like it and walk - outdoors is great but even around the house will help.
9. Talk to your family and friends about what you want to do on Christmas day - imagine what your loved one would say, you may feel like shutting yourself away but having company even for part of the day can make a difference.
10. Watch some funny movies, listen to your favourite tunes and remember the happier times. Know that you will feel better, Christmas is another day and you may find it's not as bad as you feared.

I hope this has given you some inspiration or some ideas of how you could help someone else.  

I have also arranged a special online webinar on Thursday 19th December at 8pm (GMT) where I will be giving more useful suggestions.
 

Online Webinar : How to cope with grief at Christmas

On this call, I will share my practical tips and suggestions on coping with grief during the festive period. The very things that make a difference to me even now.  There will be no sales pitches, this is all about practical help including: 

• What to do if you just can't face the thought of Christmas without your loved one.
• How to manage if your tears never seem to stop.
• Finding some light in the darkest of days.
• How to cope with all those Christmas adverts, songs and smiling faces.
• What to do about cards and presents.
• How to ask others for help.
• Do you need a plan?

With love and kindness,
Kim
x

My Inspiration behind Scotlands Happiness Day

Tragically, in October 2007, just a few weeks short of his 13^th birthday,  my son Calum lost his life to meningitis.

The impact of Calum’s death shook me to my very core. The grief, depression, panic and anxiety were overwhelming.  I questioned so many of my values trying to make sense of what had happened, but I vowed that I would be happy again, that our family would survive this tragedy. I wanted Calum to be proud of us and to recognise us as the family he knew if he could see us.

It has taken time, energy, the kindness of others and a focus for happiness to go from the darkness of grief to Scotland's Happiness Day.  A journey I have now shared in my book From Heartbreak to Happiness  which is launched in paperback on Scotland's Happiness Day 2 November 2013. 

We had World Happy Day in February 2012. It started me thinking – Scotland should have its own happiness day. So Scotland’s Happiness Day was born on 11^th November 2012. 

This is our second year, it’s on Saturday 2^nd November and we have gone even bigger. With Smile Awards program to thank the happy and positive people in our lives who help us to smile. A fab conference with excellent speakers, laughter, comedy and music which is a great day out where people can learn about creating more happiness for themselves and then share their happiness with others.

I am encouraging the country to get involved beyond our conference – to take a day to focus on your own happiness and to share it with others. (www.scotlandshappinessday.com)

Find your reason to focus on happiness, small steps work.