Illness, healing and positive thoughts

First I owe all my readers an apology for the delay in updating my blog, I hope you have all been well and happy.

It's been a trying time in my family, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last month. For those of you who have been reading my posts you will know that my son died from meningitis over 3 years ago and that has been quite a hill to climb. To hear that my mum had a life threatening illness was quite a shock and a worry for us all. My mum is a beautiful caring person who has been such a support for us, particularly Kirsten my daughter, and the thought that we might lose her was scary.

Everyone (including mum) was most concerned about Kirsten and how she would react, she has had to cope with a lot in her 11 years. I thought hard about how to tell her without scaring her, I didn't want to mention cancer but as I talked about a lump in the breast she immediately made that leap for herself. She was upset and scared that her gran would die, that I would get it and even that she herself might get breast cancer. I have learned that honesty is the best approach, so I got as much information as I could and explained what was to happen to her gran. Explaining that it was really important that we kept positive for her and that we could only deal with what we knew.

I expect most of us will explore the worst possible outcome in our minds when we are faced with some bad news. I also know that the worst outcome can come true but it doesn't mean that it always will. Mum was lucky - her cancer was found early, almost by chance as the lump she went to the doc about was a cyst. The GP sent her to the consultant, who suggested a mammogram just incase. That action meant that the tumours in both breasts were spotted, surgery and reconstruction were done together and the outcome is looking very good. What I am so proud of is how my mum has handled the situation.

The mind can heal the body

I am a great believer in the power of the mind and had encouraged my mum to use some visualisation exercises to help free her body from cancer. She took this on board and created 2 versions of the cancer cells leaving her body both of which were funny. She has continued to use some visualisations to help her body to heal following her surgery and has a virtual team helping to dig drains, clear fluid, knit her wounds together and keep everything spotless. In fact she imagines that my son Calum is helping to organise all these folks to make sure they do their job. (Her wounds seem to be healing quickly).
This has helped us to laugh about her illness, mum has been smiling as she imagined these sessions and has shared this and laughed about it with others. She is now continuing the theme by imaginging doing her exercises to strengthen her muscles. For anyone interested in knowing more about these tecniques I would recommend David Hamilton's book How the mind can heal the body.

Laugher is the best medicine

I know that this has approach is having a positive effect on us all. Laughter is such a healer, and mum has said that feeling positive and having a laugh has really helped her to cope. The pain never seems so bad when her thoughts are good and her mood up beat. The trick I suppose for us all is to be able to create those moments of laughter and good feelings when we feel ill or have bad days.
I have a wee stock of good thoughts and happy memories that can switch how I feel for even an instant. I know I can choose to feel good if I use these. Even 15 seconds of feeling good is enough to give your positive vibes a boost. Try this for yourself, you'll soon find that you can switch on the positive thoughts and feelings for longer.

Being positive doesn't mean ignoring those other emotions though. It is healthy to cry, it's our release valve. If you are ill or supporting others all sorts of emotions can surface, find a way to acknowledge them and let them go. I find writing about the situation helps, talking it over with a friend or even using EFT (emotional freedom technique) helps me too.

So we have had an emotional journey in our family again, life is like that. It remind us about being in control of what we can, that is our thoughts and our emotions. Feeling good may not change the situation but it will help us to cope with it. I also believe that you can pass on that positive energy and help others too. Science seems to agree now with studies showing we can catch other people's energy too.

Thank you Mum

Thank you mum for trying something new, for encouraging and supporting me in my life. Thank you for spreading laughter, love and joy, for the times you kissed my scrapped knees and made them better, for joining in our games, for dancing to Fame and showing us how to have fun. You have helped to heal my pain from losing Calum and by agreeing to share your story I hope you have helped others to find a way through theirs.

I hope that you will be encouraged by our experiences and pass on a bit of good cheer to someone else. If you are in the Glasgow area (Scotland) then you could come and join the Glasgow Happiness Club, where we explore more ways to handle to the low times, create good thoughts and feel happy.

If you have anything to share or a question to ask please comment, I'd love to hear from you.

Wishing you all health, love and happiness.
Kim
x

Happiness and holidays

Hello my happy friends.
The school holidays are over for a few days as there are only 7 teaching days this month! Hurrah I hear the children (and teachers) cry. We spent the first week of the holidays at our caravan in St Andrews. It was a relaxing break, more so than I had planned as Kirsten was sick. She started throwing up on Mothers Day just after bringing me breakfast in bed. Poor girl was really unwell and had to miss the trip to Mama Mia that was arranged for my mum, sister, Kirsten and I. She then had headaches, a temperature, sore throat and generally feeling rubbish with no energy for rest of the week.
No one likes seeing their child ill but if you have already lost a child to an illness that seemed to nothing more that a flu virus but turned out to be deadly meningitis, then it can be an anxious time. For more info on signs and symptoms of meningitis please check out the Meningitis Trust
I make a conscious effort to keep things in perspective, I am vigilant but not paranoid. I don't want Kirsten to have a trip to the doctor every time she sneezes, I can't wrap her in cotton wool. 2 weeks on and she's still not 100% so it's time to see the doctor now.

Mothers Day

It's a lovely way to thank your mum for all she does for you isn't it? It can be a hard day for so many though, my mother in law was knocked down and killed before Calum was a year old so it's hard for my husband not having his mum here. I have a couple of very close friends who have also lost their mothers, 1 a few years ago and 1 only months. When grief is raw then these special holidays are difficult times. I remember the first mother's`day after Calum died I just went to bed and cried exhausted by the grief and angry that he wasn't there to share the day. Time has made a difference, I made a decision last year to put up a card that Calum made for me alongside the one Kirsten made me. I did the same this year - Kirsten's card changes but Calum's stays the same. I am now able to take a different perspective on Mothers day - it is about celebration. I can give thanks for the time my mother in law was here, having my mum around and also being a mum to my two wonderful children. I choose to look at the positives and remember the good times.

So for all those who may be facing birthdays, anniversaries, special reminders of the people who are no longer with us, I say have hope. I found that the run up to these days were often worse than the actual days themselves. The anticipation of how bad I would feel made me feel bad for longer. As the first and second round of anniversaries passed I was able relax a bit more and spend more time remembering the happy times we shared on those days. I still miss my mother in law and Calum and always will, I know that they would approve of my point of view.

Happiness Club

Last week saw my first Happiness Club event in Glasgow. There were 7 lovely people there, who created their own "Bags of Happiness". We explored what makes us happy and how to use the resources that we all have to cope with the down times. It was a very positive evening and I had great feedback so it will now become a regular monthly club. Each month we will explore an idea (or 2) connected to happiness and try out some practical exercises. It's important to me that these sessions give people tools to use to improve their happiness. It's also a great way to spend an evening, share experiences, laugh and enjoy life so please spread the word. I would love to see the Club grow and expand into other places. If you'd like more info then please post me a message or email me at kim@stressthepositive.co.uk.

And finally for tonight - here is a challenge to you all. Do something nice for someone, be kind to them just because you can. If you know someone is facing a difficult anniversary then acknowledge it. Encourage them talk to you about their loved one, share the happy memories and let them cry if they want to. The person may be gone from sight but not from the heart. Thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who let me share my happy memories.

With love, laughter and kindness
Kim
x

DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY

So I'm late again - sorry Mrs B thanks for the reminder. At least I know that someone reads this!

WORRY AND STRIFE

The past couple of weeks have passed in a blur, lots of work and lists of things to do that seem to grow rather than shrink. I also had a few sleepless nights worrying about something. We all worry now and then, some people seem to live their lives in a constant state of worry. Over the last week I became aware of how high my shoulders were - right up to my ears! This is not a good look as it goes hand in hand with the frown lines and crabbit face. It's a real indicator of when things are getting too much. I'm sure you'll all know that feeling. So what do I do when I feel like this?

• first I ask myself whether the things I am worried about are within my control
• if they are, then I write a list of what I could do (I like lists- once it's on paper it never seems as much)
• I then prioritise the list - what can I do that will make things a bit easier (doing the hardest thing first is such a relief but not always what I want to do! I remind myself that the sense of relief and achievement is better than procrastination. I'm not perfect though so sometimes I'll just do what gives me a quick boost. A cup of tea usually works.)
• that leaves the things that I was worried about that I can't do anything about. These thoughts are the ones that can cause us real anxiety at times. Talking these issues over with a trusted friend is worth it's weight in gold. I'm very lucky to have wonderful friends to share stuff with. Once the things that concerned me are discussed I feel better, I know that I can't do anything more.

• I like to take a bit of time to then focus on some good memories to lift my mood, shifting my thoughts from the negative ones to positive ones make room for more solutions.
• I use lavender oil or pepermint oil to clear my mind, a few drops on my clothes work well.
  

My daughter, Kirsten is a bit of a worrier, she gets upset about the world, how terrible things happen, what destruction humans do and whether the planet will survive. She worries about school, her friends, burgulars, homework, growing up and whether anyone in the family will get ill. I know that a lot of other children feel the same, they are bomarded with so much information to keep them safe it's no wonder that the world can feel scary. She can struggle to sleep at times. She can be snappy and weepy when it gets too much. Her feelings are no different from mine really.
As her mother, I want Kirsten to be happy I know that she has been through a lot in her 11 years and losing Calum, her big brother and best friend really shook her up. I also know that although I can help her, listen to her, support and guide her - she is responsible for her own happiness. My job as her mother is to get her ready to cope with the world on her own so I get her to use the same tactics that I do. Can she do anything about it? Is it her responsibility? What can she do? Talk over the fears so that she can rationalise them. Then I encourage to her to think of a happy memory or something from her bag of happiness. Kirsten loves crystals so I'll get her to choose a few to hold. This helps to shift the focus to a more positive stance. The worries never seem so bad then.

HAPPINESS WORKSHOPS

I had the pleasure of delivering 2 Happiness Workshops for SHARE, at their annual conference for the housing sector. It was a fabulous day, my workshops "sold out" first which was a great boost of confidence that this is an important issue for people. All the participants made their own Bag of Happiness as I explained some real life easy ways to handle to difficult stuff we all face. I had a lovely audience and had great feedback from people. I hope that they will continue to add to their bag of happiness.

If you would like to come along and learn how to use these ideas for yourself then take a look at my Happiness Club .

PASS ON THE POSITIVE

We all need positive feedback, we all have doubts and crisis of confidence so it was great to have validation of my ideas. Have you told anyone how well they are doing recently? Has someone impressed you, have you had good service from a company or someone just been nice and smiled? Give them some feedback, you'll make their day.

It's Mothers Day this Sunday, we can all thank our mums for their support (even if they are no longer with us). Who else do you know is a good mother? Perhaps they need some positive feedback - it can be a hard job and some recognition of their efforts could really help. Go on pass on some positive words and see someone smile.

My happiness meter has wavered over the last few weeks from 5.5 to 8.5 out of 10. What about you?

Gratitude and Inspiration

Hi folks, I'm sorry that this post took a bit longer than a week.

It's been a busy time in our house recently. I seem to be rushing around, never stopping to catch breath. My husband has been busy writing his new book, and my daughter has been working hard on her school project. It can be so easy to get caught up in being busy, striving to do more, squeeze a little more out of the day. I thrive in the energy of creating new things, but what do you do when you don't have that spark? How do you get yourself going and bring a bit of creativity in to your life?

I don't always have the motivation to get going. When I am stuck in a slump then I take a good look at what I have in my life to be grateful for now. I have a gratitude journal on my phone that I fill in, not every day, but fairly regularly. I was reminded recently about how lucky I am to have family and friends around me, to have people in my life that I can lean on. People that I can turn to for advice or reassurance, people to share my successes with. I know how important my friends and family are to me, how they have been there to support me through my son Calum's death and the grief that can surround me still. I can't imagine being where I am now without the help and support of these wonderful people.

I have come in to contact with some remarkable young people in the last few years and some of their stories are heartbreaking. Some have come to this country to flee terrible horrors and persecution that I can only imagine. They arrived young and alone after long difficult journeys and great sacrifices. Most have no family here, some don't know if they're families are alive or dead. But this is not a sob story - this is a story of inspiration. These very same young people have thrown themselves in to education, learnt our language, come to understand our customs. They are looking forward with a vision of how they would like their lives to be and they are taking steps towards creating it. Some are working,studying in university or thinking about creating their own business. They have taken the opportunities that are available to us all and are motivating themselves. They have done this without a family to support them. Most have built networks of friends and have taken opportunities for help from mentors. They have created their own "family".

Could you imagine yourself alone, in a different country unable to speak the language, not knowing if your family are alive. Now take a moment to think of all the people that you have in your life that you can turn to. Think of how rich your life is. Now if these young people can find a way to create a life for themselves we all can. These young folk that I have met are happy, they are grateful for what they have and for the opportunities offered.

I am inspired by their stories and grateful for the chance to have played a small part in their journeys. Perhaps you could reach out and help someone? Perhaps you have someone to thank?

I'll finish with my favourite quote that I saw written on the wall of an old bookshop in Paris. "Be kind to strangers they could be angels in disguise."

I'd love to hear your comments.

with love
Kim
x

MY HAPPINESS CHALLENGE - MEMORIES AND MINDFULNESS

Well folks, it's been just over a week since my last blog. Thanks for the encouragement readers, I hope that you find this useful.
In the last week I have had ups and downs just like all of you. School holidays can create a challenge for keeping Kirsten busy, balancing work and child care. I try and take as much time off with Kirsten as I can. It is all too easy to put off doing things, life and work can take over but I know how precious those fun times together are. Kirsten had a friend to stay over, we made candles which was great fun, it didn't take long but was a real quality moment. I was looking around at the messy kitchen we were working in, did the girls notice -or care? No they were just having fun adding colour and scent to their melted wax. I had fun too, I made a candle in a lovely vintage china cup, it felt so good to look at what I had made. Simple pleasures, it reminded me of the times I made things when I was growing up and the fun times that we had with Calum when he was small guddling in water, making messy goo, baking and having fun in our untidy kitchen.
The girls also made some movies with Kirsten's video camera, laughing and capturing the memories. It struck a chord with how we record our memories inside our heads all the time. This is one of the things that I use regularly to help me feel happier.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS
Try accessing your mind videos -think of a time when you enjoyed a great day and had fun. Close your eyes and remember. Can you "see" the scenes and hear the sounds from that time, immerse yourself in it, make it vibrant, colourful and real, now notice how you feel. Your happy mind videos can lift your mood, your body will react as if it is happening now, so you can find yourself smiling, relaxing and even laughing as you relive the good times. I am a great one for reminiscing with my family and friends, laughing over the things we did in the past, retelling the stories over and over. It is always such a happy event when we do this, I love those times as much as I did the actual event.
Sharing your happy times with someone else helps to pass on some happiness and keep those stories going. Scots used to have a great tradition of story telling, passing on the previous generations' tales. I think it is a shame modern day reality TV seems to be more interesting to some people rather than sharing our own real lives. Sharing stories about people we have lost is a real tribute to their impact on your life and helps to keep their memory alive. I know some people who find it difficult to mention Calum, perhaps for fear of upsetting me. To not talk about our son and his part in our lives and our history is far more upsetting. Talking about the good times, the holidays, the daft things he did, the jokes we shared, the silly sayings we had helped me to find a tunnel of light out of the grief. Tears still come at times but as a wise friend tells me tears are healing too.

WHAT IF MEMORIES ARE PAINFUL?
I experienced some anxiety last week while travelling to meet my very best friend Ann. We were having a day away to ourselves, staying overnight in a hotel in a town where I used to work. I felt shaky and anxious on the train, at first I didn't realise what was going on. I was looking forward to meeting up with Ann so why did I feel bad? Thinking about it for a minute I realised that I had not been back to this place for a long time. I had left my job because of some stressful times and this journey back to that physical place had jolted my body back to that emotional state. This is what we call anchoring in NLP terms. You might have suddenly felt upset, anxious, scared or even sick when your mind makes a link to a past time. How do you handle this? I used some EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) to release the negative emotion and found myself begin to relax. The jitters in my tummy and shaking eased. Then the train stopped at a station and I found myself thinking about an old work colleague who I knew lived here, before long I was immersed in the memories of that time so very long ago. He was a lively character and we had fun, I started to smile and suddenly I had reached my destination feeling upbeat and looking forward to tea and lots of laughs with Ann. We have both positive and negative anchors to people, places, things, music and more. I had used a positive anchor to clear the negative emotions without even trying, my thoughts and feelings changed quickly. Next time you find yourself in anxious state try some EFT and a positive thought.
I had a great time and we met up with some other ex colleagues for a good laugh, I am looking forward to my next visit.

MINDFULNESS (OR WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR MIND IS FULL TO BURSTING?)
I had some low points last week, feeling overwhelmed about the amount of things I still had to do, taking time out is great but when you are self employed no one else does the work. You would think that that this would mean I would be really motivated and busy when back to work, but no! I couldn't focus and that means that self doubt creeps in - could I really achieve all these plans I have, all the different workshops and business angles seemed too much. Where to start? I call this my headless chicken phase, so many things to do that I end up running round like a headless chicken and not starting anywhere. I have been here before so I know what works - take time out. What more time off! Sounds like madness, but just a few minutes to breathe, relax and calm my mind. Being mindful some call it or meditation, whatever you call it doesn't matter it works. Try out this link to give it a go http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12263892
Now my mind is calm I can write my list of things to do and prioritise it, I don't feel so overwhelmed now I can do a couple of things on the list easily. My positive thoughts begin to come back, I can do this. I even begin to feel excited about some of my ideas again. My thoughts and emotions can either work for me or against me. Recognising that allows me to do something about it. It's not about being upbeat, positive and happy all the time it is handling it and not being a victim of my own low points.

So all in it was a good week, the scales tipped more on the positive side. 7 out of 10 on my happiness scale.
If you have any questions or comments please post them. See you next week.

Take care, wishing you love, light and laughter
Kim
x

THE HAPPINESS CHALLENGE

There has been a lot in the media recently about happiness and how to achieve it. I am a big fan of happiness, everyone I know wants to feel happy. How happy should you be though? There are a load of books, courses and information out there designed to help you to feel happier. If you decide to start on the happiness crusade then what is your measure of success - can you be happy 24/7? If you aren't are you a failure?

I have started this blog to explore my happiness, what impacts on how I feel and to share my experiences. Life is a rollercoaster, you have highs and lows - the trick is to live it, cope with the lows, find ways to make you feel better and then enjoy the good times. I am going to share what works for me and give you some tips to try. I'd also like to hear from you - if you have something that helps you feel happier then pass it on. I intend to be honest about my frustrations, upsets and low points and about how I get over them. I also want to share the highs, what has inspired me and lifted my spirits. This is true life not the glossy 24/7 Happiness promise.

I would like to point out that I am not a Guru, I have studied lots of interesting theories, read loads of books, attended various courses and even got qualifications from some of them. I have lived and experienced some really happy moments and also suffered terrible tragedy. What I know is that life presents lots of challenges, and how we think and react to them influences our levels of happiness. I also believe that we can change how we think and react, learn how to use the good times as fuel to build resilience to cope with the lows.

My Story so far...
I'd like to share my story with you. I am 44, married to Sinclair for 23 years and I have 2 children. Kirsten who is 11 and heading to secondary school this year and Calum who lost his life to meningitis on 12th October 2007 aged 12.
My life changed for ever on that day, all the plans, hopes and dreams that I had for our future disappeared. For those that knew me before Calum's death I think they would have said I was a happy person, talkative, always on the go, trying new things, learning new things - an optimist. I had started my own business in 2006, leaving a well paid HR managers role to take the plunge into the world of managing emotions, stress and depression in particular. Now less than a year later I was plunged into a world of darkness. I think people thought I had gone mad in the days following Calum's death when I would tell people that we would be happy again. I set it as a mission for us as a family, I owed it to Calum - he was such a happy lad. I didn't really know how I would do it back in 2007, didn't know how I could claw my way out of the terrible bleakness that I felt. Losing a child is every parents worst nightmare, many don't find a way out of the blackness.
What I can say now is that there is no one thing that makes it better. No magical cure that suddenly lifts the dark veil and replaces it with glowing sunlight. There are lots of little things that can make life a bit better, and as the colour gradually came back in to my life I was able to use more things to help. Other people were very kind and that made such a difference - you can read more in David Hamilton's book Why Kindness is Good for You.

What I know is that whatever you use to help to begin with has to be simple. I knew that taking exercise would improve my mood but if I couldn't find the energy to get dressed then getting out was beyond me. I did open some essential oils and find them soothing, I opened a book with positive quotes and I looked up. If you are in the depths of despair even these simple things can help to change your thoughts and outlook.

I also want you to know that I acknowledged my feelings, my very wise GP gave me some advice to let go of the emotions. So I did scream and cry (often in the early days and still do some days) but I also decided to write to Calum. I wrote how I was feeling sometimes the tears smudged the ink, I wrote about what was happening, venting my feelings but also keeping a connection with my much loved son. I still write to Calum today but my journals are generally happier with more positive stories and fewer really low days.

I hope that you will join me on my journey. I want you to have hope that if you are feeling low, stressed, depressed, grieving, anxious or just hacked off that you will be able to change that. Everything changes, nothing stays the same for ever, so the negative thoughts and emotions that can grip us and cause us to hold back or even give up will pass. Try something new, a thought, a hope - a smile and they can pass quicker.

Thank you for reading, I plan to post at least once a week. My happiness meter for now is 7 out of 10. I am happy I have started this project that has been in my mind for a few weeks. I can tick one thing off my to do list and the sense of achievement is good.

Take care, be kind to yourselves and one another.
Kim
x

Welcome to Stress the Positive

Welcome to a positive step to a new you.