COPING WITH CHANGE: TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS WITH TEENS

 Did you notice the day that your sweet smiling child changed into a surly, moody teenager?  Possibly not but you have probably heard it.  The door slamming, foot stomping, tears and tantrums and that’s just from you! 

Being a parent of a teenager can be stressful.  As a mother you want the best for your child so it’s natural to worry about them.  The change to secondary school, new subjects and routines can be unsettling for some.  Exams and homework become battlegrounds.  Making new friends and finding a way to fit in can bring other changes:- hairstyles, clothes, music and new interests.  They push the boundaries looking for ways to be more grown up, staying out later, going into town, boyfriends/girlfriends and “what do you know Mum?”  “Everyone else is going!”  They have a language all their own texting, BBM. Facebook and YouTube are lifelines they can’t live without.  They know all about sex, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders and self harming.  They are super confident, street smart and world savvy.

AND YET...

Your son or daughter may be really anxious and stressed.  They may struggle to sleep and have panic attacks or feel really low and struggle to cope.  As hormones hit home and the body changes, as the other social factors play out and family dynamics change many of you will recognise that both you and your teenager have to adjust.  So how do you cope?  How do you help your child? Where is the action plan and SWOT analysis? Is there an App for this?  You are a successful businesswoman, of course you can cope!!! 

Before you reach for the wine, chocolate and hankies, recognise – YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I know what it’s like, I have a teenage daughter and have helped lots of young people and their parents to develop life skills to cope with change and stressful times. You can bring peace and happiness to your lives.  NLP (Nero Linguistic Programming) and Positive Psychology offer great tools and techniques to take control of your thoughts and emotions, to change usual responses and make life easier.

 The move from primary years to teenage tears can be made easier with a little TLC (Thought, Laughter and Coffee).  So grab a cup and explore my top tips for happy teens and parents. 

1.       BREATHE! – Diffuse any stressful situation fast.  If you are stressed your breathing becomes shallower, this can increase feelings of anxiety, chest tightness, fatigue, insomnia and light headedness.  Slow deep breathing has been proven to calm your nervous system and interrupt the pattern of thoughts/reactions.

 Breathe deeply in through the nose; imagine you can smell something you really like. Hold that breath for a few seconds then blow out very slowly.  Imagine you have a birthday candle on a cupcake close to your mouth and blow so slowly that you don’t blow the candle out!  Three or four deep breaths will bring a sense of calm.

2.       FEEL GOOD FLIP SWITCH – Our thoughts, emotions and behaviours  are connected, when you think about something it starts a chain reaction. We are creatures of habit and develop patterns of responses over time.  Changing the thought will change the pattern.  A quick way to do this is to flip your thoughts to something that is really positive and happy.  Choose a memory of a really happy time, remember who was there, what did you do, what did you see, hear and feel? Immerse yourself in that memory for a couple of minutes.  You will feel more relaxed and happier.

3.       THREE GOOD THINGS – Another way to boost how good you feel is to focus on what has been good about your day.  It is a great way to shift your focus if you spend a few minutes discussing it over dinner and maybe even writing it in a gratitude journal.  The good things don’t have to be big – from a smile to doing well in a class, making a sale or getting good customer feedback.  When you focus on what you have and are grateful for it, this boosts positive receptors in the brain and help to rewire those neural pathways.  It’s like walking on Happy Street J.  When you record them you can read over them whenever you have a down day. If you build this into your day it can really make a big difference so that you feel less stressed by life. 

Using these tips will create a sense of calm and build a more positive environment.  Spend some time with your teen, share a coffee; find something to laugh at together.  You will find it’s easier to discuss worries and concerns when you are both feeling relaxed.  You might just see your happy smiling child is still in there. 

Looking forward and looking back

When I started writing this blog I promised to be honest about was happening in my life and how I cope with the difficult times.  I wanted people to know that being happy and feeling positive is something that can be achieved even when life isn't great.

I know too that focusing on the positive side doesn't mean that everything in life is wonderful, this blog has been a way for me to explore how my emotions and thoughts impact on me and my family. I hope that by sharing my experiences that it gives you some hope and maybe some tips on how to feel happier.

INSPIRED BY OTHERS
December is an emotional time for me (and for a lot of other people)  Calum's birthday is the 8th December, he would have been 17 this year, (he died just a few weeks shy of his 13th birthday). This year his friends in 6th year at Bishopbriggs Academy chose the Meningitis Trust as the school charity of the year in remembrance of Calum. They decided to hold a Memorial Service to remember him and celebrate their memories of him, they wanted the people in school to know this was not just any charity their fundraising efforts were for their friend.  The video that they made to show at the service is so wonderful, it made me smile and laugh through my tears.  I loved the smiles and light in their eyes as they remembered Calum. So many young people are held up to be neds with no care or interest in others, watch this and see the positive encouraging side to these young folks.Remembering Calum by S6 Bishopbriggs Academy

The school then had a week of fundraising activities culminating in a sponsored sleepover for S6 in the school last week. Calum would have just loved being a part of it and I am so pleased that they had great fun raising money for a very supportive charity.  

Kirsten, my gorgeous daughter, is now 12 and in first year at this school. She has been involved in the fundraising activities with Calum's friends that she also grew up with.  She has loved this but it has also been an emotional journey for her too.

HAPPINESS AND TEARS


So add all this with Christmas, my mum back in hospital again for another op, some worries over work and money and it is not difficult to see how my emotions have been a bit raw.  I have felt really weepy at times, a bit frazzled and low.  Is this allowed for someone who runs Happiness Clubs and wants to inspire Scotland to be happier?


Of course it is! - Not one of us is immune to low times, me included. If I cry I release that emotion, I feel better for it, trying to hold them back just creates more pressure. So what next? I am blessed to have some very good friends and they are so kind and helpful in different ways, acknowledging how I feel with them sharing tears and then laughter really helps.  

So today I feel like I am turning the corner again, I have some inspiration back maybe not quite all my energy yet. Last night I went out with Kirsten to see the School Band perform in Glasgow and caught up with a few friends for a chat.  It was good to laugh with them.

It's times like this that I have to dig into my own Bag of Happiness to find the things that help me.  Essential oils - bergamot and peppermint, uplifting music, remembering that I have achieved so much, immersing myself in some really good memories, looking forward to spending time at Christmas with my family and Boxing day with my very best friend and her lovely family. Focussing on gratitiude creates a feeling of wealth and abundance, I have so much to be grateful for - mostly friends and family.


Life will continue to throw challenges but I know that I can cope, I know that I have learned a lot so far that has helped me and that I will continue to learn.  I also know that sometimes I will forget what I have learned!  We all need to be reminded now and then.  


Looking forward to next year


I think that so many people are living in fear and worry.  I understand it so we are bombarded by the news of how terrible our economy is, how few jobs there are, how dangerous the world is. My response is to increase the number of Happiness Clubs and get others involved to create more happiness and positive energy.  I know that life can be shit - I know that we can't just go into a wee Happiness bubble and it will all go away.
BUT I know that when I can lift my mood, feel happier and more positive then it gives me fuel to energise me.  I can look at the same problems through different eyes and see a solution I didn't before, I can start to believe that things will get better and find ways to help myself and others so that it is better.  

I have developed a new personal development program Happiness in Action that will give you the tools to create more positive thoughts and happiness for youself.  As soon as I have charged my batteries fully then you will hear more about the exciting new options for this program.


As Christmas approaches I send my love to everyone who is missing someone, to those who have worries and concerns, to those whose health could be better, to those that strive for a new job, to anyone without a home. I also send my love to those who are doing well and feeling good, may you share your good feelings with those that need it.  

So December may be emotional - highs and lows just like life really. I learn and grow in the low times then create and reap the benefits in the high times.  You can too.


Merry Christmas
Kim xxxx

Death and Happiness

Today I am saddened by the death of Gary Speed at the young age of 42. I did not know him personally but like so many others have watched and listened to the stories from those who did.  I have heard so many people say what a happy person he was so how could a happy person with all the success he had feel so low that they end their own lives?

So many of us put on a face to the world around us, when asked how we are we may say "fine" or "no bad". We may not want to admit to others that we feel so terrible that not living seems like the only option.  Talking about how we really feel to a trusted friend can be a life saver, when we say the words that rattle around inside our heads we can challenge them.  If we have no one to help us challenge the negative thoughts of hopelessness then they will grow stronger as we focus on them. 

I remember one very bleak night not long after Calum died, sitting crying as I couldn’t sleep.  I just wanted this terrible pain to end, I wanted the hurt and hopeless feelings to go away.  I thought that if my husband and daughter died with me then we would all be together again with Calum.  That would take away the hurt and pain for us all and it would be ok.  I had an outlet for my thoughts though – I wrote to Calum in a journal.  Even as I wrote the words I realised that it was not death that I wanted but a happier life back.  At that time I didn’t really know how I could have happiness but it got me through that night.

I have lots of friends and family who supported me through this terrible time, they listened to me, were kind to me in so many ways and through the pain and sorrow some light began to appear. (You can read a little more of this in David Hamilton’s book Why Kindness is Good For You). What I held on to was that I wanted to be happy, it was right to be happy and so I developed a mindset to allow happiness into my life.

My story is not a miraculous overnight recovery, it took time to grieve for the loss of Calum and heal the pain.  It’s 4 years on and I am happy, I still have times when I feel sad or low and I acknowledge them because living a happy life means living a real life with all its ups and downs.  I still write to Calum, I find that it helps me to get the thoughts out of my head and help to shift my perspective. I also write when I am happy and inspired so I share the positive thoughts too.  

If you find yourself at a real low talk to a friend, GP, Support line like Samaritans or Breathing Space or try writing. Ask yourself what is it that I really want – to end the pain and misery may be your first answer but what do you want instead? Is it to be happy? Make that your focus and it will shift your perspective on life a little. A little glimmer of light on a dark night can be all that it takes to start your journey. 

 You can read some of the practical ways that I handle the lows and create more happiness in my life in previous blogs.  I support individuals, teach Creating aHappier life courses and run Happiness Clubs, where we can all learn new skills and share in a common aim – to be happier.  Please feel free to contact me if you want to know more.

Illness, healing and positive thoughts

First I owe all my readers an apology for the delay in updating my blog, I hope you have all been well and happy.

It's been a trying time in my family, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last month. For those of you who have been reading my posts you will know that my son died from meningitis over 3 years ago and that has been quite a hill to climb. To hear that my mum had a life threatening illness was quite a shock and a worry for us all. My mum is a beautiful caring person who has been such a support for us, particularly Kirsten my daughter, and the thought that we might lose her was scary.

Everyone (including mum) was most concerned about Kirsten and how she would react, she has had to cope with a lot in her 11 years. I thought hard about how to tell her without scaring her, I didn't want to mention cancer but as I talked about a lump in the breast she immediately made that leap for herself. She was upset and scared that her gran would die, that I would get it and even that she herself might get breast cancer. I have learned that honesty is the best approach, so I got as much information as I could and explained what was to happen to her gran. Explaining that it was really important that we kept positive for her and that we could only deal with what we knew.

I expect most of us will explore the worst possible outcome in our minds when we are faced with some bad news. I also know that the worst outcome can come true but it doesn't mean that it always will. Mum was lucky - her cancer was found early, almost by chance as the lump she went to the doc about was a cyst. The GP sent her to the consultant, who suggested a mammogram just incase. That action meant that the tumours in both breasts were spotted, surgery and reconstruction were done together and the outcome is looking very good. What I am so proud of is how my mum has handled the situation.

The mind can heal the body

I am a great believer in the power of the mind and had encouraged my mum to use some visualisation exercises to help free her body from cancer. She took this on board and created 2 versions of the cancer cells leaving her body both of which were funny. She has continued to use some visualisations to help her body to heal following her surgery and has a virtual team helping to dig drains, clear fluid, knit her wounds together and keep everything spotless. In fact she imagines that my son Calum is helping to organise all these folks to make sure they do their job. (Her wounds seem to be healing quickly).
This has helped us to laugh about her illness, mum has been smiling as she imagined these sessions and has shared this and laughed about it with others. She is now continuing the theme by imaginging doing her exercises to strengthen her muscles. For anyone interested in knowing more about these tecniques I would recommend David Hamilton's book How the mind can heal the body.

Laugher is the best medicine

I know that this has approach is having a positive effect on us all. Laughter is such a healer, and mum has said that feeling positive and having a laugh has really helped her to cope. The pain never seems so bad when her thoughts are good and her mood up beat. The trick I suppose for us all is to be able to create those moments of laughter and good feelings when we feel ill or have bad days.
I have a wee stock of good thoughts and happy memories that can switch how I feel for even an instant. I know I can choose to feel good if I use these. Even 15 seconds of feeling good is enough to give your positive vibes a boost. Try this for yourself, you'll soon find that you can switch on the positive thoughts and feelings for longer.

Being positive doesn't mean ignoring those other emotions though. It is healthy to cry, it's our release valve. If you are ill or supporting others all sorts of emotions can surface, find a way to acknowledge them and let them go. I find writing about the situation helps, talking it over with a friend or even using EFT (emotional freedom technique) helps me too.

So we have had an emotional journey in our family again, life is like that. It remind us about being in control of what we can, that is our thoughts and our emotions. Feeling good may not change the situation but it will help us to cope with it. I also believe that you can pass on that positive energy and help others too. Science seems to agree now with studies showing we can catch other people's energy too.

Thank you Mum

Thank you mum for trying something new, for encouraging and supporting me in my life. Thank you for spreading laughter, love and joy, for the times you kissed my scrapped knees and made them better, for joining in our games, for dancing to Fame and showing us how to have fun. You have helped to heal my pain from losing Calum and by agreeing to share your story I hope you have helped others to find a way through theirs.

I hope that you will be encouraged by our experiences and pass on a bit of good cheer to someone else. If you are in the Glasgow area (Scotland) then you could come and join the Glasgow Happiness Club, where we explore more ways to handle to the low times, create good thoughts and feel happy.

If you have anything to share or a question to ask please comment, I'd love to hear from you.

Wishing you all health, love and happiness.
Kim
x