COPING WITH CHANGE: TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS WITH TEENS

 Did you notice the day that your sweet smiling child changed into a surly, moody teenager?  Possibly not but you have probably heard it.  The door slamming, foot stomping, tears and tantrums and that’s just from you! 

Being a parent of a teenager can be stressful.  As a mother you want the best for your child so it’s natural to worry about them.  The change to secondary school, new subjects and routines can be unsettling for some.  Exams and homework become battlegrounds.  Making new friends and finding a way to fit in can bring other changes:- hairstyles, clothes, music and new interests.  They push the boundaries looking for ways to be more grown up, staying out later, going into town, boyfriends/girlfriends and “what do you know Mum?”  “Everyone else is going!”  They have a language all their own texting, BBM. Facebook and YouTube are lifelines they can’t live without.  They know all about sex, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders and self harming.  They are super confident, street smart and world savvy.

AND YET...

Your son or daughter may be really anxious and stressed.  They may struggle to sleep and have panic attacks or feel really low and struggle to cope.  As hormones hit home and the body changes, as the other social factors play out and family dynamics change many of you will recognise that both you and your teenager have to adjust.  So how do you cope?  How do you help your child? Where is the action plan and SWOT analysis? Is there an App for this?  You are a successful businesswoman, of course you can cope!!! 

Before you reach for the wine, chocolate and hankies, recognise – YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I know what it’s like, I have a teenage daughter and have helped lots of young people and their parents to develop life skills to cope with change and stressful times. You can bring peace and happiness to your lives.  NLP (Nero Linguistic Programming) and Positive Psychology offer great tools and techniques to take control of your thoughts and emotions, to change usual responses and make life easier.

 The move from primary years to teenage tears can be made easier with a little TLC (Thought, Laughter and Coffee).  So grab a cup and explore my top tips for happy teens and parents. 

1.       BREATHE! – Diffuse any stressful situation fast.  If you are stressed your breathing becomes shallower, this can increase feelings of anxiety, chest tightness, fatigue, insomnia and light headedness.  Slow deep breathing has been proven to calm your nervous system and interrupt the pattern of thoughts/reactions.

 Breathe deeply in through the nose; imagine you can smell something you really like. Hold that breath for a few seconds then blow out very slowly.  Imagine you have a birthday candle on a cupcake close to your mouth and blow so slowly that you don’t blow the candle out!  Three or four deep breaths will bring a sense of calm.

2.       FEEL GOOD FLIP SWITCH – Our thoughts, emotions and behaviours  are connected, when you think about something it starts a chain reaction. We are creatures of habit and develop patterns of responses over time.  Changing the thought will change the pattern.  A quick way to do this is to flip your thoughts to something that is really positive and happy.  Choose a memory of a really happy time, remember who was there, what did you do, what did you see, hear and feel? Immerse yourself in that memory for a couple of minutes.  You will feel more relaxed and happier.

3.       THREE GOOD THINGS – Another way to boost how good you feel is to focus on what has been good about your day.  It is a great way to shift your focus if you spend a few minutes discussing it over dinner and maybe even writing it in a gratitude journal.  The good things don’t have to be big – from a smile to doing well in a class, making a sale or getting good customer feedback.  When you focus on what you have and are grateful for it, this boosts positive receptors in the brain and help to rewire those neural pathways.  It’s like walking on Happy Street J.  When you record them you can read over them whenever you have a down day. If you build this into your day it can really make a big difference so that you feel less stressed by life. 

Using these tips will create a sense of calm and build a more positive environment.  Spend some time with your teen, share a coffee; find something to laugh at together.  You will find it’s easier to discuss worries and concerns when you are both feeling relaxed.  You might just see your happy smiling child is still in there. 

Looking forward and looking back

When I started writing this blog I promised to be honest about was happening in my life and how I cope with the difficult times.  I wanted people to know that being happy and feeling positive is something that can be achieved even when life isn't great.

I know too that focusing on the positive side doesn't mean that everything in life is wonderful, this blog has been a way for me to explore how my emotions and thoughts impact on me and my family. I hope that by sharing my experiences that it gives you some hope and maybe some tips on how to feel happier.

INSPIRED BY OTHERS
December is an emotional time for me (and for a lot of other people)  Calum's birthday is the 8th December, he would have been 17 this year, (he died just a few weeks shy of his 13th birthday). This year his friends in 6th year at Bishopbriggs Academy chose the Meningitis Trust as the school charity of the year in remembrance of Calum. They decided to hold a Memorial Service to remember him and celebrate their memories of him, they wanted the people in school to know this was not just any charity their fundraising efforts were for their friend.  The video that they made to show at the service is so wonderful, it made me smile and laugh through my tears.  I loved the smiles and light in their eyes as they remembered Calum. So many young people are held up to be neds with no care or interest in others, watch this and see the positive encouraging side to these young folks.Remembering Calum by S6 Bishopbriggs Academy

The school then had a week of fundraising activities culminating in a sponsored sleepover for S6 in the school last week. Calum would have just loved being a part of it and I am so pleased that they had great fun raising money for a very supportive charity.  

Kirsten, my gorgeous daughter, is now 12 and in first year at this school. She has been involved in the fundraising activities with Calum's friends that she also grew up with.  She has loved this but it has also been an emotional journey for her too.

HAPPINESS AND TEARS


So add all this with Christmas, my mum back in hospital again for another op, some worries over work and money and it is not difficult to see how my emotions have been a bit raw.  I have felt really weepy at times, a bit frazzled and low.  Is this allowed for someone who runs Happiness Clubs and wants to inspire Scotland to be happier?


Of course it is! - Not one of us is immune to low times, me included. If I cry I release that emotion, I feel better for it, trying to hold them back just creates more pressure. So what next? I am blessed to have some very good friends and they are so kind and helpful in different ways, acknowledging how I feel with them sharing tears and then laughter really helps.  

So today I feel like I am turning the corner again, I have some inspiration back maybe not quite all my energy yet. Last night I went out with Kirsten to see the School Band perform in Glasgow and caught up with a few friends for a chat.  It was good to laugh with them.

It's times like this that I have to dig into my own Bag of Happiness to find the things that help me.  Essential oils - bergamot and peppermint, uplifting music, remembering that I have achieved so much, immersing myself in some really good memories, looking forward to spending time at Christmas with my family and Boxing day with my very best friend and her lovely family. Focussing on gratitiude creates a feeling of wealth and abundance, I have so much to be grateful for - mostly friends and family.


Life will continue to throw challenges but I know that I can cope, I know that I have learned a lot so far that has helped me and that I will continue to learn.  I also know that sometimes I will forget what I have learned!  We all need to be reminded now and then.  


Looking forward to next year


I think that so many people are living in fear and worry.  I understand it so we are bombarded by the news of how terrible our economy is, how few jobs there are, how dangerous the world is. My response is to increase the number of Happiness Clubs and get others involved to create more happiness and positive energy.  I know that life can be shit - I know that we can't just go into a wee Happiness bubble and it will all go away.
BUT I know that when I can lift my mood, feel happier and more positive then it gives me fuel to energise me.  I can look at the same problems through different eyes and see a solution I didn't before, I can start to believe that things will get better and find ways to help myself and others so that it is better.  

I have developed a new personal development program Happiness in Action that will give you the tools to create more positive thoughts and happiness for youself.  As soon as I have charged my batteries fully then you will hear more about the exciting new options for this program.


As Christmas approaches I send my love to everyone who is missing someone, to those who have worries and concerns, to those whose health could be better, to those that strive for a new job, to anyone without a home. I also send my love to those who are doing well and feeling good, may you share your good feelings with those that need it.  

So December may be emotional - highs and lows just like life really. I learn and grow in the low times then create and reap the benefits in the high times.  You can too.


Merry Christmas
Kim xxxx

Coping with change and creating happiness

Hi there,
It's been a long time ... sorry! I don't know where the time has gone. A lot has been happening in my life over the past few months, mostly good I will say.

THE BIG SCHOOL
Kirsten has now started secondary school, that is a biggie for me. She is now 12, having caught up with her big brother, and has taken that next step up the educational ladder. Kirsten is really enjoying school which is partly due to the excellent teachers and facilities at her school and partly due to her own attitude. She has had some wobbles too, a few tears and fears. I did expect this as any major change can throw up some anxiety. We deal with this by talking about how she feels and reminding her of her strengths. She has been encouraged her to join the school clubs and share her interests with others so she can make new friends. She is missing Calum a lot, she is enjoying seeing his 6th year friends at school but it is also a reminder that he isn't there. So we talk about Calum and what we think he might have been like, share our stories of him and keep him close to our hearts.

SHARING NEWS WITH THE WORLD
I have spoken about Calum to the Press in the past, to raise awareness of meningitis and about the fundraising we have done for the Meningits Trust. A couple of months ago I started to think about sharing my journey through grief with the Press. I wanted to give people some hope that you can survive your worst nightmare and still be happy. It's what this blog has been about. I wanted to let people know about the Happiness Club, the courses and this blog, to help people find ways to handle the crap that life can sometimes dish out. I met a wonderful journalist called Maria Croce who wrote a great article that was published in the Daily Record. You can read it here http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/real-life/2011/08/25/bereaved-mum-tells-how-she-copes-by-writing-to-her-dead-son-86908-23369875/
The article generated a lot of interest from other journalists, magazines and individuals looking for some help. Bella magazine are featuring my story very soon and the local Bishopbriggs Herald told the story again today.

HAPPINESS CLUBS, STAR WARS AND WORLD DOMINATION!

This had led me to really focus on how I can help others. The Happiness Club meetings have been going well, I am looking for other venues to expand them. I have developed Creating a Happier Life course for those who want to have a more concentrated boost of happiness. I have been developing ideas at such a rate that Sinclair is laughing at my plans for world domination! We now joke about how the Death Star is coming along and the question "What would Vader do?" is asked often. (Star Wars was Calum's favourite film).

HARRY POTTER AND BEATING THE DEMENTORS
Being inspired is a great feeling, it is at the completely opposite end of the spectrum from grief and depression. I remember the terrible black, soul less days after Calum's death when I had no hope or inclination to do anything. It made me think this is what JK Rowling must have been describing when the Dementors attacked people in Harry Potter (another of Calum's favourites). That feeling that you'll never be happy again and that all the light and love has been sucked out of the world. I know that is it possible to beat the Dementors and create your own Patronus (the charm that is created by focussing on the happiest memory and emotions). This is one of the techniques that I teach on my courses and at Happiness Club.
If anyone reading this is having a black day then remember the happiest, most wonderful memory that you have. Re-live it in your mind, surround yourself with it like a blanket and you will find it can let a little light into your day. Your situation may not have changed but your ability to cope with it will.

We all deserve a happy life, life is for enjoying and sharing now. If you need some help to feel happy then check out my website www.stressthepositive.co.uk

My life is happy, there are challenges and struggles, tears and worries being happy helps me cope with these times. I'd love to hear how you cope with difficult days.
Wishing you all good health and happiness,
Kim
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